I know I haven't posted in a while. I have been so busy with my cooking blog. But I am thinking that has been a bit of a problem for me. This is where I come to vent and get my mind straight (or as straight as it can be). I know the few people that read this blog know the emotional side of me. Here I am not trying to "keep it all together" I am just
me plain and simple. All of my flaws, warts, short comings, whatever you want to call them, are out in the open and good or bad, love me or hate me,
I am just me! By not posting I think I have been holding things in a bit and feel at times like I am treading water with no sight of the shore.
I haven't posted since my father passed away. My wonderful Daddy died 2 days after Thanksgiving. He really was my world. I love my children and would die for them, but I was always Daddy'd girl. Seeing him everyday (we lived in the same home) and talking with him was one of the biggest highlights of my Day. His smile, his laugh, his dry sense of humor. Never failed to make my heart warm.
It wasn't like I didn't know he was sick. He had been struggling with lung cancer for 6 + years. He had 4 surgeries and was on his second round of chemo. I watched him go from a strong active man to a man that had aged 20 years and could barely get around. Yet my heart could not let go. He didn't want to do the second round of chemo but he did it for me, because he knew I didn't want to be without him. Like I said, he was a wonderful Father. Quiet, not a huggy mushy kind of guy, but you felt his love without the words needing to be spoken, and the fact that he subjected himself to another round of treatment was only more proof of that love.
These last couple of months have been so difficult for me. I spent the better part of December crying at the drop of a hat. Everyday I would wait for him to come downstairs to chat with me while I had my coffee. Even though I
knew it wouldn't happen my heart longed for it and broke everyday I had to accept the fact that he would never come down those stairs again looking for our morning conversation. I have accepted the fact that he is gone now, but there are still times that I swear I hear him or smell him and my heart skips as I hold my breath wishing it was really true.
I have been told that my tears are a bit selfish. That my father was very sick and is in a much better place now. No more pain, no more discomfort. I understand that and know it is the truth, but my tears are not wishing he would come back. I would never wish that pain and misery on him again. My tears are only for my loss. I miss him, I am lost without him. I guess if that makes me selfish so be it.
Now that it has been a couple months and the new year is here. I feel as though I need to "hold it all together". Those around me seem to have moved on and accepted the loss. I feel that it is not fair for me to bring them all down. Yet I am stuck in that moment. You see I am the one that found him. I am the one that called 911, and I am the one that had to make the decision for the paramedics to let him go. I knew it was the right thing to do, but it plays in my head almost every day. Everyone tells me there is nothing I could have done, and that I made the right decision. But I want to say until you have seen what I have seen and had to make the decision I had to make. I really don't think you can grasp the whole experience. Lord knows I would not wish that on
anyone! It is just truly how I feel.
So that leads me to now and this post. What is the point of it? I am not sure really. I don't even know if anyone will read this. All I know is I miss him, I love him, and I feel so very lost without him!!
