Waking up from surgery on January 21st was an experience. I of course don't remember much since they kept me pretty drugged up (thank God), but I do remember thinking I should feel a lot different and I didn't. I attributed it to the drugs and the fact that I had yet to see myself without a shirt on, but was surprised by the feeling, or lack thereof, about my "modified" body.
Once I was home I waited until I was alone and as I stood nervously in front of my bathroom mirror and raised my pajama top. Then it hit me! WOW ummm "Ok" I thought "so I am more aerodynamic" or "Hey think of the money I could save in lingerie!". I tried very hard to find what positive I could in the situation, but it was hard. I felt myself about to cry and then a little voice in my head yelled "SNAP OUT OF IT!!! I mean REALLY suck it up chick you are alive and well with no need for chemo OR radiation. Plenty of women with breast cancer would be HAPPY to be in your situation!". As I stood there reeling a bit from the verbal abuse I was dishing out on myself, I realized it was correct. I was DAMNED LUCKY to be in the place I was! I found out I had cancer by a fluke. I wouldn't have gotten a mammogram until I was 50 thanks to what has been suggested in the media. I went for my annual exam and had a cyst. I knew it was a cyst, but to make my Gyn happy I agreed to a mammogram. That was right around Thanksgiving (appropriate don't you think?) and within 2 months my cancer was found and removed. No lymph nodes had to be removed, no further treatment necessary. At that point I began to feel like a bit of a schmuck. I mean it wasn't like they removed a leg or an arm. I don't need boobs to function. "Get over yourself" I thought.
Then of course there were the people that meant well..."Well think of the perky ones you are going to have"! To be honest that kind of bothered me at first but once I stopped wallowing in self pity and realized that they were right, this was not a permanent situation. I began to relax a bit.
Then we began the "expanding" part of the program. For those that don't know what that means...well when they removed what God gave me they put in what they call tissue expanders. They are little torture devices that feel like you have turtle shells under your skin. Seriously they are kind of a tear drop shaped rubber bottomed thing that resembles a deflated implant attached to a tire. When they began "expanding" that means every week you go in and they insert a needle into the expander and "fill 'er up" with about 50 to 100 cc's of saline. This stretches the muscle and, if you have the same surgery I did, the AlloDerm ( I will explain what AlloDerm is in a bit). The expansion process doesn't really hurt and I laugh when I go in for the procedure because I feel like a flat tire that they keep trying to fill up and just don't get the right amount of pressure. I know, I am weird, no need to remind me. But it gives your body the time to slowly adapt to the eventual implant. It also gives you the opportunity to "shop" for what size you would like your post operative bod to have. There is perky 18 year old, I would like to be a stripper, and OMG THEY ARE MOVING TOWARD US!!
Ah, AlloDerm, this was one of the things they explained to me before the surgery that kinda made me go "uummm eewwwww". On the AlloDerm website they call it "AlloDerm Regenerative Tissue Matrix". OK, that sounds cool. It says "AlloDerm is produced through a unique non-damaging process that allows the body to mount its own tissue regeneration process". Again, sounds Ok right? But then you read a little closer, "donated human skin tissue is supplied......Do what? Ya that is exactly what I asked and was informed that donated human skin tissue is from people who sign their handy dandy little donor card. Yup, it is cadaver skin folks. Now maybe that doesn't give you pause to think but it sure did me! Again my little voice told me to snap out of it. She really is a bossy little bitch! But unfortunantly she is smart too. She reminded me that this is really no different than a donated liver or kidney. The only difference is the word cadaver is never used when speaking of those types of transplants. Ok, ok so again I feel like a huge baby.
So now I am about 5 weeks out from the demolition and hopefully about 6 weeks away from the Grand Re-opening. Wish me luck!!! Oh and I am shooting for perky 18 year old, healthy, but perky.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Weird Morning
Woke up today in a rotten mood. Cold, dark, and drizzly outside. Had an argument last night, which didn't help, and on top of it had a bad bad dream. I really just wanted to put the covers over my head and go back to sleep but I have too much to do today. WOW am I pouting or what?
Maybe some of it is that I finally have to make myself take down the Christmas decorations and I hate doing that. I love Christmas and would keep my decorations up all year if the rest of the family wouldn't have me committed for trying to impersonate Mrs. Claus (or Paula Dean since I love to cook and they do look a lot alike....oops going of topic).
Some of it could be that my surgery date is getting closer and that means I have to start really facing the fact, which of course I don't want to do. It is so easy to talk about it and act like you are strong and everything will be OK when it is "sometime" in the future. Now it is 2 weeks away and I think a bit of panic is setting in. That is also why the argument bothered me more than usual I guess.
Yesterday was such an AWESOME day! I had to run all over town, which normally I hate doing, but Jessi and I just made it fun. She has started a Vlog on YouTube and we were just being silly. We walked around the grocery store just blabbering on and on about nonsense and laughing at the people that looked at us like we needed medication or something. If you want to check her out search HalfassedVlogging on youtube.com. She is just starting out but I think you will get a chuckle out of some of her stuff.
I really would love to not go anywhere today, light the fire, put on comfy sweats and watch movies. Sounds like waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more fun than getting dressed and going out into the cold yucky weather. I am so done with winter and it just started!!! I need some SUNSHINE!!!
OK I whined to you all and now I feel better. Guess I just needed to vent a bit. Plus after reading what I wrote I realize I just need to suck it up and stop being a baby!! Sheesh!!!
Maybe some of it is that I finally have to make myself take down the Christmas decorations and I hate doing that. I love Christmas and would keep my decorations up all year if the rest of the family wouldn't have me committed for trying to impersonate Mrs. Claus (or Paula Dean since I love to cook and they do look a lot alike....oops going of topic).
Some of it could be that my surgery date is getting closer and that means I have to start really facing the fact, which of course I don't want to do. It is so easy to talk about it and act like you are strong and everything will be OK when it is "sometime" in the future. Now it is 2 weeks away and I think a bit of panic is setting in. That is also why the argument bothered me more than usual I guess.
Yesterday was such an AWESOME day! I had to run all over town, which normally I hate doing, but Jessi and I just made it fun. She has started a Vlog on YouTube and we were just being silly. We walked around the grocery store just blabbering on and on about nonsense and laughing at the people that looked at us like we needed medication or something. If you want to check her out search HalfassedVlogging on youtube.com. She is just starting out but I think you will get a chuckle out of some of her stuff.
I really would love to not go anywhere today, light the fire, put on comfy sweats and watch movies. Sounds like waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more fun than getting dressed and going out into the cold yucky weather. I am so done with winter and it just started!!! I need some SUNSHINE!!!
OK I whined to you all and now I feel better. Guess I just needed to vent a bit. Plus after reading what I wrote I realize I just need to suck it up and stop being a baby!! Sheesh!!!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
My Wake Up Call
Well, it has been quite a long time since I posted. Much has gone on. School has been very difficult for me. I think being out of school for about 25 years has something to do with that. We were studying in my Psychology class that if you don't use portions of your brain they get moved to areas with more action. So say the area that learned math...ya my brain probably moved it to the area that watches reality TV shows or something!!
I did make it out of this last quarter with a 2.63 GPA (YUCK) I guess that is just a tick off of a B- but I was hoping for better grades than that. I missed a B by 13 points in my English class AARRGGGG
Part of the trouble with the end of the quarter was I got some disturbing news. I decided it had been awhile since I had gone for my "Lady Land" check up so I reluctantly called and made an appointment.
Got in and got all of the girlie parts checked and everything seemed ok until my Dr asked me if I had ever had a mammogram. Well I told him that I had one about 10 years ago but couldn't even tell you where that was at because it was in California somewhere. He told me that even though the recommendations have been changed to every year after the age of 50, he still believes in every year after 40 PLUS he said he felt a lump! That made my heart race and in place of the irritation I was feeling about having to go and have my boobs smashed between two pieces of Plexiglas was a new feeling....fear.
On an off note before I go on, I just want to ask what misogynist created the mammogram??? I mean seriously! Do they check for testicular cancer that way? I think not.
Anyway, I called and made that appointment. When I showed up I kept telling myself there is nothing to fear it is all just routine and proceeded to study for Psychology to keep my mind off worrying. Unfortunately that didn't work very well.
For those that have never had a mammogram let me talk you through it. They call you back to the back and ask you to remove everything from your waist up and put on a robe. Now depending on where you are it could be a hospital gown backwards that they are calling a "robe" or an actual robe. I was lucky, I was in a center for womens breast health so I got the good stuff!
I put my robe on and put the rest of my things in a locker. All I had left with me was my list wristband with my key to my locker and my cell phone. I played so many games on that phone I am surprised it didn't blow up! Then they finally called me back. I had a very nice lady that was a breast cancer survivor as my radiology tech. She was very sweet as she mashed, poked, squished and prodded my breasts in every way possible. "Hold still"......I loved hearing that! I wanted to say, "How can i move you have my boob in a vice!".
Well I was released from the torture chamber and allowed to go back to the waiting room so the Dr could read the films. After a bit I was called back and he began to show me "areas of concern". After I heard that I kind of went a little foggy. No one wants to hear that from a Dr. He said he wanted to do a sonogram and a couple more mammogram films. So back I go. The sonogram was nothing of course, i mean cold and sticky, but no pain. Then back to the chamber for more squishing. Although this time I didn't feel it as much because my mind was a bit preoccupied with what the Dr had said and the areas he had shown me.
After everything was said and done I got dressed and was informed that my Dr would contact me with my results.
That was at the time the longest 3 days of my life. I finally called the Dr's office but they wouldn't release the results because the Dr was out of the office so I had to make an appointment for the next day. My father went with me and I am glad he did. The news was not what I wanted to hear and the Dr was going on about needing a needle biopsy and things like that and I think I just went numb. My Dd helped to gather me and get me back home. I immediately called and made the biopsy appointment. I didn't want to wait any longer than necessary to know what was going on in side of me.
I went for the biopsy by myself. They put you in a very large machine that squished you like the mammogram but this time you are laying on your tummy. The nurse asked me if I was comfortable and of course I said no, I mean really? You are about to use my boob as a pin cushion, comfy not a word I would use right now!
The actual procedure was very uncomfortable. It hurt before, during, and definitely after. I was told to use Tylenol for the pain, but what they didn;t take into consideration was I bled quite a bit so it set up a hematoma (blod clot) inside my breast that was pressing on nerves and I cried most of the night trying ice packs to help with the swelling.
The next day I was fine, a little bruised but felt much better. Now we again got to play the waiting game. After 3 days I called the Dr's office, as you can tell I am not much on patience, and the nurse told me that due to my results the Dr would need to speak to me to talk about surgery. I really don't even remember hanging up the phone. Surgery.....the word just kept bouncing around in my head.
Luckily it wasn't too long before the Dr called me and she informed me that I had breast cancer. She told me that as breast cancer goes, I had the best kind, if there is such a thing, because it is confined to the glands and milk ducts and doesn't spread fast. She also told me that they wanted me to have an MRI to check and make sure that everything was found with the biopsy and help pin point the exact location. The MRI wasn't bad, you get an IV and then have to lay in a loud I mean LOUD machine while they take pictures. Of course again I had to lay down and have my boobs squished, but no one was poking me with needles so I was good. Kevin came along to keep me calm since I am claustrophobic and was a bit nervous about this "tunnel" I had to go in for the MRI machine to do its work. As it turned out no claustrophobia YAY.
Now, more waiting, have I mentioned I am not a patient person? This whole process is hurry up and wait ARG! Now we hear back from the Dr that read my MRI. He has found 3 more "areas of concern" 2 more in my left breast and one in my right. Soooooo, yup you guessed it, more biopsies wooohoooo lucky me huh?
Since I had such an awful experience the first time, and they were doing two biopsies, one in each breast, this time Kevin came with me. It was an MRI guided biopsy so again with the loud machine, but this Dr was awesome and with Kevin there to squeeze my hand when I was hurting I came out of it feeling much better than the first time. There was very little bleeding or bruising so that was a plus.
Again....more waiting. 3 days they say...ya ok well I am ready in three days so I call the Dr's office. The results are in but she is with patients so I have to wait. I waited till about 5:30, 6:00 and figured now she wasn't going to call me till the next day and I had been so stressed knowing the results were in I was about ready to cry. But my Dr, awesome as she is, called me at about 7:30 from home to talk to me about my results.
It was all pretty much more of the same. The two biopsies came back positive and they were pretty sure the other two sites were as well. She said we could biopsy those if I wanted but I was pretty tired of being stabbed in the boob. We talked about options and well, to cut to the chase we decided that a double mastectomy would be the best. My right breast is not as bad as the left. She refers to my left breast as the nightmare...nice. But if I chose a single mastectomy with a lumpectomy I would still have to go every 6 months for MRIs and they would want to biopsy anything that looked suspicious. I have personally had enough poking and worrying, and I know my family has been out through the ringer, so with her input on the subject we made the decision.
Now that the decision has been made I feel better in a sense, but I am terrified in another. Not the least of it is just going through major surgery, but what is going to happen. I mean whether or not women want to admit it alot of our sense of being a woman is wrapped up in our breasts. Now I find out mine are "damaged" and have to be removed. Hard to process ya know?
I did make it out of this last quarter with a 2.63 GPA (YUCK) I guess that is just a tick off of a B- but I was hoping for better grades than that. I missed a B by 13 points in my English class AARRGGGG
Part of the trouble with the end of the quarter was I got some disturbing news. I decided it had been awhile since I had gone for my "Lady Land" check up so I reluctantly called and made an appointment.
Got in and got all of the girlie parts checked and everything seemed ok until my Dr asked me if I had ever had a mammogram. Well I told him that I had one about 10 years ago but couldn't even tell you where that was at because it was in California somewhere. He told me that even though the recommendations have been changed to every year after the age of 50, he still believes in every year after 40 PLUS he said he felt a lump! That made my heart race and in place of the irritation I was feeling about having to go and have my boobs smashed between two pieces of Plexiglas was a new feeling....fear.
On an off note before I go on, I just want to ask what misogynist created the mammogram??? I mean seriously! Do they check for testicular cancer that way? I think not.
Anyway, I called and made that appointment. When I showed up I kept telling myself there is nothing to fear it is all just routine and proceeded to study for Psychology to keep my mind off worrying. Unfortunately that didn't work very well.
For those that have never had a mammogram let me talk you through it. They call you back to the back and ask you to remove everything from your waist up and put on a robe. Now depending on where you are it could be a hospital gown backwards that they are calling a "robe" or an actual robe. I was lucky, I was in a center for womens breast health so I got the good stuff!
I put my robe on and put the rest of my things in a locker. All I had left with me was my list wristband with my key to my locker and my cell phone. I played so many games on that phone I am surprised it didn't blow up! Then they finally called me back. I had a very nice lady that was a breast cancer survivor as my radiology tech. She was very sweet as she mashed, poked, squished and prodded my breasts in every way possible. "Hold still"......I loved hearing that! I wanted to say, "How can i move you have my boob in a vice!".
Well I was released from the torture chamber and allowed to go back to the waiting room so the Dr could read the films. After a bit I was called back and he began to show me "areas of concern". After I heard that I kind of went a little foggy. No one wants to hear that from a Dr. He said he wanted to do a sonogram and a couple more mammogram films. So back I go. The sonogram was nothing of course, i mean cold and sticky, but no pain. Then back to the chamber for more squishing. Although this time I didn't feel it as much because my mind was a bit preoccupied with what the Dr had said and the areas he had shown me.
After everything was said and done I got dressed and was informed that my Dr would contact me with my results.
That was at the time the longest 3 days of my life. I finally called the Dr's office but they wouldn't release the results because the Dr was out of the office so I had to make an appointment for the next day. My father went with me and I am glad he did. The news was not what I wanted to hear and the Dr was going on about needing a needle biopsy and things like that and I think I just went numb. My Dd helped to gather me and get me back home. I immediately called and made the biopsy appointment. I didn't want to wait any longer than necessary to know what was going on in side of me.
I went for the biopsy by myself. They put you in a very large machine that squished you like the mammogram but this time you are laying on your tummy. The nurse asked me if I was comfortable and of course I said no, I mean really? You are about to use my boob as a pin cushion, comfy not a word I would use right now!
The actual procedure was very uncomfortable. It hurt before, during, and definitely after. I was told to use Tylenol for the pain, but what they didn;t take into consideration was I bled quite a bit so it set up a hematoma (blod clot) inside my breast that was pressing on nerves and I cried most of the night trying ice packs to help with the swelling.
The next day I was fine, a little bruised but felt much better. Now we again got to play the waiting game. After 3 days I called the Dr's office, as you can tell I am not much on patience, and the nurse told me that due to my results the Dr would need to speak to me to talk about surgery. I really don't even remember hanging up the phone. Surgery.....the word just kept bouncing around in my head.
Luckily it wasn't too long before the Dr called me and she informed me that I had breast cancer. She told me that as breast cancer goes, I had the best kind, if there is such a thing, because it is confined to the glands and milk ducts and doesn't spread fast. She also told me that they wanted me to have an MRI to check and make sure that everything was found with the biopsy and help pin point the exact location. The MRI wasn't bad, you get an IV and then have to lay in a loud I mean LOUD machine while they take pictures. Of course again I had to lay down and have my boobs squished, but no one was poking me with needles so I was good. Kevin came along to keep me calm since I am claustrophobic and was a bit nervous about this "tunnel" I had to go in for the MRI machine to do its work. As it turned out no claustrophobia YAY.
Now, more waiting, have I mentioned I am not a patient person? This whole process is hurry up and wait ARG! Now we hear back from the Dr that read my MRI. He has found 3 more "areas of concern" 2 more in my left breast and one in my right. Soooooo, yup you guessed it, more biopsies wooohoooo lucky me huh?
Since I had such an awful experience the first time, and they were doing two biopsies, one in each breast, this time Kevin came with me. It was an MRI guided biopsy so again with the loud machine, but this Dr was awesome and with Kevin there to squeeze my hand when I was hurting I came out of it feeling much better than the first time. There was very little bleeding or bruising so that was a plus.
Again....more waiting. 3 days they say...ya ok well I am ready in three days so I call the Dr's office. The results are in but she is with patients so I have to wait. I waited till about 5:30, 6:00 and figured now she wasn't going to call me till the next day and I had been so stressed knowing the results were in I was about ready to cry. But my Dr, awesome as she is, called me at about 7:30 from home to talk to me about my results.
It was all pretty much more of the same. The two biopsies came back positive and they were pretty sure the other two sites were as well. She said we could biopsy those if I wanted but I was pretty tired of being stabbed in the boob. We talked about options and well, to cut to the chase we decided that a double mastectomy would be the best. My right breast is not as bad as the left. She refers to my left breast as the nightmare...nice. But if I chose a single mastectomy with a lumpectomy I would still have to go every 6 months for MRIs and they would want to biopsy anything that looked suspicious. I have personally had enough poking and worrying, and I know my family has been out through the ringer, so with her input on the subject we made the decision.
Now that the decision has been made I feel better in a sense, but I am terrified in another. Not the least of it is just going through major surgery, but what is going to happen. I mean whether or not women want to admit it alot of our sense of being a woman is wrapped up in our breasts. Now I find out mine are "damaged" and have to be removed. Hard to process ya know?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Happy Birthday Harry!!!
Last Saturday we celebrated Kevin's father Harry's 86th birthday!! He is just plain adorable and I love him to death. I had really wanted to do something special for him, so I decided to plan a birthday party for him at the VFW. He has been Commander there twice and it is like his 2nd home, so I really thought it would make him happy. Much more than just taking him out to dinner, or something like that.
You see Harry and his late wife Vivian (Kevin's Mom) and Kevin, used to live in the apartment above the VFW. Kevin says he has so many memories of that place. Back in the day it was hoppin' every night. It holds a lot of memories.
So I started making phone calls and got it all set up. People at the club let other people know that it was his birthday, so a few people showed up specifically to see Harry. He was very happy.
The picture is of Harry when he was in the Navy
Kevin's son Anthony and his Girlfriend Sarah With Harry
Kevin and Me with Harry
Friday, July 2, 2010
Codi's Tattoo
I was going to share this awhile back, but don't have a video editing program so it will have to be in chunks, sorry :(
This is Codi getting her first tattoo. She designed it herself. Happy 18th Birthday!!
It was fun :)
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I want my Mommy
I woke up feeling like crap today. To top it off it is raining outside! I just want to crawl back in bed but I have to drag my butt to school!!
Why is it no matter how old you get, when you get sick your first reaction is I WANT MY MOMMY!!? It is funny. I didn't have the greatest relationship with my Mom but I still get that way. We revert back to being five and wanting someone to take our temp and bring us soup and 7-Up and hold our hand or rub our back.
I know I don't feel like being a Mom today LOL so I guess maybe I just want a stand in. Ok, you cook dinner, do the laundry, and tidy up, while I lay in bed and whine!!
Why is it no matter how old you get, when you get sick your first reaction is I WANT MY MOMMY!!? It is funny. I didn't have the greatest relationship with my Mom but I still get that way. We revert back to being five and wanting someone to take our temp and bring us soup and 7-Up and hold our hand or rub our back.
I know I don't feel like being a Mom today LOL so I guess maybe I just want a stand in. Ok, you cook dinner, do the laundry, and tidy up, while I lay in bed and whine!!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
One foot in front of the other.....
So, I have been keeping my self busy, and mostly out of trouble. School has occupied most of my time and brain power! I am just NOT a math person so it doesn't come easy for me. But I am determined to pass this class with a good grade. I had an A+ last quarter, I am hoping for an A this quarter too, but will settle for a B. Codi says I am an overachiever, whatever.
I have been trying to find things to occupy the free time that I do have away from my head shoved in a text book, and rediscovered my love for crotcheting. I used to love to scrapbook and crotchet but just haven't had the time, or the energy (mastly the latter) to do any of that. I took on a HUGE task of making an afghan (a blanket not the person LOL) for Kevin's father's birthday. He is 86 and I figured a handmade gift would be better than other things that he could just buy for himself, or that he doesn't need. Handmade to me just says you care a lot more than some plaque or something that would sit on a shelf and gather dust.
WELL, I didn't realize what I had gotten myself into until I got about a quarter of the way through the project and read repeat rows 5 thru 26 3 more times!!! Then several times through the process I discovered I had gotten off count and had to unravel SEVERAL rows to get back to one that was correct. I almost cried one time because it was all of the work I had done one Saturday afternoon. But that taught me to pay much closer attention!
Between school, and crotcheting, and dealing with Codi and Kevin's son, I have gotten back to feeling like life is becoming normal again. The last two years are beginning to fade and I am feeling more and more like "me" again. I don't have things overshadowing my life. Oh don't get me wrong. There are things still going on that remind of just how stressful this whole process is/was, but for the most part I am feeling happy and hopeful again, which is a great feeling.
The finished project :)
I have been trying to find things to occupy the free time that I do have away from my head shoved in a text book, and rediscovered my love for crotcheting. I used to love to scrapbook and crotchet but just haven't had the time, or the energy (mastly the latter) to do any of that. I took on a HUGE task of making an afghan (a blanket not the person LOL) for Kevin's father's birthday. He is 86 and I figured a handmade gift would be better than other things that he could just buy for himself, or that he doesn't need. Handmade to me just says you care a lot more than some plaque or something that would sit on a shelf and gather dust.
WELL, I didn't realize what I had gotten myself into until I got about a quarter of the way through the project and read repeat rows 5 thru 26 3 more times!!! Then several times through the process I discovered I had gotten off count and had to unravel SEVERAL rows to get back to one that was correct. I almost cried one time because it was all of the work I had done one Saturday afternoon. But that taught me to pay much closer attention!
Between school, and crotcheting, and dealing with Codi and Kevin's son, I have gotten back to feeling like life is becoming normal again. The last two years are beginning to fade and I am feeling more and more like "me" again. I don't have things overshadowing my life. Oh don't get me wrong. There are things still going on that remind of just how stressful this whole process is/was, but for the most part I am feeling happy and hopeful again, which is a great feeling.
The finished project :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)