Chest-less in Seattle

Waking up from surgery on January 21st was an experience. I of course don't remember much since they kept me pretty drugged up (thank God), but I do remember thinking I should feel a lot different and I didn't. I attributed it to the drugs and the fact that I had yet to see myself without a shirt on, but was surprised by the feeling, or lack thereof, about my "modified" body.
Once I was home I waited until I was alone and as I stood nervously in front of my bathroom mirror and raised my pajama top. Then it hit me! WOW ummm "Ok" I thought "so I am more aerodynamic" or "Hey think of the money I could save in lingerie!". I tried very hard to find what positive I could in the situation, but it was hard. I felt myself about to cry and then a little voice in my head yelled "SNAP OUT OF IT!!! I mean REALLY suck it up chick you are alive and well with no need for chemo OR radiation. Plenty of women with breast cancer would be HAPPY to be in your situation!". As I stood there reeling a bit from the verbal abuse I was dishing out on myself, I realized it was correct. I was DAMNED LUCKY to be in the place I was! I found out I had cancer by a fluke. I wouldn't have gotten a mammogram until I was 50 thanks to what has been suggested in the media. I went for my annual exam and had a cyst. I knew it was a cyst, but to make my Gyn happy I agreed to a mammogram. That was right around Thanksgiving (appropriate don't you think?) and within 2 months my cancer was found and removed. No lymph nodes had to be removed, no further treatment necessary. At that point I began to feel like a bit of a schmuck. I mean it wasn't like they removed a leg or an arm. I don't need boobs to function. "Get over yourself" I thought.
Then of course there were the people that meant well..."Well think of the perky ones you are going to have"! To be honest that kind of bothered me at first but once I stopped wallowing in self pity and realized that they were right, this was not a permanent situation. I began to relax a bit. 
Then we began the "expanding" part of the program. For those that don't know what that means...well when they removed what God gave me they put in what they call tissue expanders. They are little torture devices that feel like you have turtle shells under your skin. Seriously they are kind of a tear drop shaped rubber bottomed thing that resembles a deflated implant attached to a tire. When they began "expanding" that means every week you go in and they insert a needle into the expander and "fill 'er up" with about 50 to 100 cc's of saline. This stretches the muscle and, if you have the same surgery I did, the AlloDerm ( I will explain what AlloDerm is in a bit). The expansion process doesn't really hurt and I laugh when I go in for the procedure because I feel like a flat tire that they keep trying to fill up and just don't get the right amount of pressure. I know, I am weird, no need to remind me. But it gives your body the time to slowly adapt to the eventual implant. It also gives you the opportunity to "shop" for what size you would like your post operative bod to have. There is perky 18 year old, I would like to be a stripper, and OMG THEY ARE MOVING TOWARD US!! 
Ah, AlloDerm, this was one of the things they explained to me before the surgery that kinda made me go "uummm eewwwww". On the AlloDerm website they call it "AlloDerm Regenerative Tissue Matrix". OK, that sounds cool. It says "AlloDerm  is produced through a unique non-damaging process that allows the body to mount its own tissue regeneration process". Again, sounds Ok right? But then you read a little closer, "donated human skin tissue is supplied......Do what? Ya that is exactly what I asked and was informed that donated human skin tissue is from people who sign their handy dandy little donor card. Yup, it is cadaver skin folks. Now maybe that doesn't give you pause to think but it sure did me! Again my little voice told me to snap out of it. She really is a bossy little bitch! But unfortunantly she is smart too. She reminded me that this is really no different than a donated liver or kidney. The only difference is the word cadaver is never used when speaking of those types of transplants. Ok, ok so again I feel like a huge baby.
So now I am about 5 weeks out from the demolition and hopefully about 6 weeks away from the Grand Re-opening. Wish me luck!!! Oh and I am shooting for perky 18 year old, healthy, but perky.