WOW it has been a while since I posted. With the surgeries I have been going through due to the cancer and all of the other miscellaneous goings on in my life I have just been burning the candle at both ends so to speak.Which has kept me away from sharing with you all.
I had my final surgery on June 20th. Well final MAJOR surgery. They did the reconstruction so the girls are up and running again so to speak. The Doctor said there maybe small little things we need to do here and there. But for the most part we are done. So yes dear readers, I have the chest of an 18 year old again....WOW seems weird to look down and then look at the rest of my body and think hhmmmm some of these things just don't go together. Can I have a whole new body now? Well, a girl has to ask right?
The thing I find amusing is, and remember I have a slightly twisted sense of humor, is that they told me that implants have a "shelf life". You would think you get the surgery a BOOM you are good to go. Ummm not so much. I was going on and on about how glad I was that this was done now and that I wont have to worry any more and the Doc stopped me. It was kind of like "Hold up there Ricky Racer" though not exactly in those words. So implants are only good for about 10 years, yup just 10 years. Which means I will be having them replaced every ten years from now on. That will mean that at 56, 66 and then 76 and 86, if God sees it fit for me to be here, I will be getting a brand new set of 18 year old boobs. I am just trying to picture that in my mind. I guess I had better hit the gym to make sure the rest of the bod can kind of keep up eh?
Showing posts with label breast cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breast cancer. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Chest-less in Seattle
Waking up from surgery on January 21st was an experience. I of course don't remember much since they kept me pretty drugged up (thank God), but I do remember thinking I should feel a lot different and I didn't. I attributed it to the drugs and the fact that I had yet to see myself without a shirt on, but was surprised by the feeling, or lack thereof, about my "modified" body.
Once I was home I waited until I was alone and as I stood nervously in front of my bathroom mirror and raised my pajama top. Then it hit me! WOW ummm "Ok" I thought "so I am more aerodynamic" or "Hey think of the money I could save in lingerie!". I tried very hard to find what positive I could in the situation, but it was hard. I felt myself about to cry and then a little voice in my head yelled "SNAP OUT OF IT!!! I mean REALLY suck it up chick you are alive and well with no need for chemo OR radiation. Plenty of women with breast cancer would be HAPPY to be in your situation!". As I stood there reeling a bit from the verbal abuse I was dishing out on myself, I realized it was correct. I was DAMNED LUCKY to be in the place I was! I found out I had cancer by a fluke. I wouldn't have gotten a mammogram until I was 50 thanks to what has been suggested in the media. I went for my annual exam and had a cyst. I knew it was a cyst, but to make my Gyn happy I agreed to a mammogram. That was right around Thanksgiving (appropriate don't you think?) and within 2 months my cancer was found and removed. No lymph nodes had to be removed, no further treatment necessary. At that point I began to feel like a bit of a schmuck. I mean it wasn't like they removed a leg or an arm. I don't need boobs to function. "Get over yourself" I thought.
Then of course there were the people that meant well..."Well think of the perky ones you are going to have"! To be honest that kind of bothered me at first but once I stopped wallowing in self pity and realized that they were right, this was not a permanent situation. I began to relax a bit.
Then we began the "expanding" part of the program. For those that don't know what that means...well when they removed what God gave me they put in what they call tissue expanders. They are little torture devices that feel like you have turtle shells under your skin. Seriously they are kind of a tear drop shaped rubber bottomed thing that resembles a deflated implant attached to a tire. When they began "expanding" that means every week you go in and they insert a needle into the expander and "fill 'er up" with about 50 to 100 cc's of saline. This stretches the muscle and, if you have the same surgery I did, the AlloDerm ( I will explain what AlloDerm is in a bit). The expansion process doesn't really hurt and I laugh when I go in for the procedure because I feel like a flat tire that they keep trying to fill up and just don't get the right amount of pressure. I know, I am weird, no need to remind me. But it gives your body the time to slowly adapt to the eventual implant. It also gives you the opportunity to "shop" for what size you would like your post operative bod to have. There is perky 18 year old, I would like to be a stripper, and OMG THEY ARE MOVING TOWARD US!!
Ah, AlloDerm, this was one of the things they explained to me before the surgery that kinda made me go "uummm eewwwww". On the AlloDerm website they call it "AlloDerm Regenerative Tissue Matrix". OK, that sounds cool. It says "AlloDerm is produced through a unique non-damaging process that allows the body to mount its own tissue regeneration process". Again, sounds Ok right? But then you read a little closer, "donated human skin tissue is supplied......Do what? Ya that is exactly what I asked and was informed that donated human skin tissue is from people who sign their handy dandy little donor card. Yup, it is cadaver skin folks. Now maybe that doesn't give you pause to think but it sure did me! Again my little voice told me to snap out of it. She really is a bossy little bitch! But unfortunantly she is smart too. She reminded me that this is really no different than a donated liver or kidney. The only difference is the word cadaver is never used when speaking of those types of transplants. Ok, ok so again I feel like a huge baby.
So now I am about 5 weeks out from the demolition and hopefully about 6 weeks away from the Grand Re-opening. Wish me luck!!! Oh and I am shooting for perky 18 year old, healthy, but perky.
Once I was home I waited until I was alone and as I stood nervously in front of my bathroom mirror and raised my pajama top. Then it hit me! WOW ummm "Ok" I thought "so I am more aerodynamic" or "Hey think of the money I could save in lingerie!". I tried very hard to find what positive I could in the situation, but it was hard. I felt myself about to cry and then a little voice in my head yelled "SNAP OUT OF IT!!! I mean REALLY suck it up chick you are alive and well with no need for chemo OR radiation. Plenty of women with breast cancer would be HAPPY to be in your situation!". As I stood there reeling a bit from the verbal abuse I was dishing out on myself, I realized it was correct. I was DAMNED LUCKY to be in the place I was! I found out I had cancer by a fluke. I wouldn't have gotten a mammogram until I was 50 thanks to what has been suggested in the media. I went for my annual exam and had a cyst. I knew it was a cyst, but to make my Gyn happy I agreed to a mammogram. That was right around Thanksgiving (appropriate don't you think?) and within 2 months my cancer was found and removed. No lymph nodes had to be removed, no further treatment necessary. At that point I began to feel like a bit of a schmuck. I mean it wasn't like they removed a leg or an arm. I don't need boobs to function. "Get over yourself" I thought.
Then of course there were the people that meant well..."Well think of the perky ones you are going to have"! To be honest that kind of bothered me at first but once I stopped wallowing in self pity and realized that they were right, this was not a permanent situation. I began to relax a bit.
Then we began the "expanding" part of the program. For those that don't know what that means...well when they removed what God gave me they put in what they call tissue expanders. They are little torture devices that feel like you have turtle shells under your skin. Seriously they are kind of a tear drop shaped rubber bottomed thing that resembles a deflated implant attached to a tire. When they began "expanding" that means every week you go in and they insert a needle into the expander and "fill 'er up" with about 50 to 100 cc's of saline. This stretches the muscle and, if you have the same surgery I did, the AlloDerm ( I will explain what AlloDerm is in a bit). The expansion process doesn't really hurt and I laugh when I go in for the procedure because I feel like a flat tire that they keep trying to fill up and just don't get the right amount of pressure. I know, I am weird, no need to remind me. But it gives your body the time to slowly adapt to the eventual implant. It also gives you the opportunity to "shop" for what size you would like your post operative bod to have. There is perky 18 year old, I would like to be a stripper, and OMG THEY ARE MOVING TOWARD US!!
Ah, AlloDerm, this was one of the things they explained to me before the surgery that kinda made me go "uummm eewwwww". On the AlloDerm website they call it "AlloDerm Regenerative Tissue Matrix". OK, that sounds cool. It says "AlloDerm is produced through a unique non-damaging process that allows the body to mount its own tissue regeneration process". Again, sounds Ok right? But then you read a little closer, "donated human skin tissue is supplied......Do what? Ya that is exactly what I asked and was informed that donated human skin tissue is from people who sign their handy dandy little donor card. Yup, it is cadaver skin folks. Now maybe that doesn't give you pause to think but it sure did me! Again my little voice told me to snap out of it. She really is a bossy little bitch! But unfortunantly she is smart too. She reminded me that this is really no different than a donated liver or kidney. The only difference is the word cadaver is never used when speaking of those types of transplants. Ok, ok so again I feel like a huge baby.
So now I am about 5 weeks out from the demolition and hopefully about 6 weeks away from the Grand Re-opening. Wish me luck!!! Oh and I am shooting for perky 18 year old, healthy, but perky.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
My Wake Up Call
Well, it has been quite a long time since I posted. Much has gone on. School has been very difficult for me. I think being out of school for about 25 years has something to do with that. We were studying in my Psychology class that if you don't use portions of your brain they get moved to areas with more action. So say the area that learned math...ya my brain probably moved it to the area that watches reality TV shows or something!!
I did make it out of this last quarter with a 2.63 GPA (YUCK) I guess that is just a tick off of a B- but I was hoping for better grades than that. I missed a B by 13 points in my English class AARRGGGG
Part of the trouble with the end of the quarter was I got some disturbing news. I decided it had been awhile since I had gone for my "Lady Land" check up so I reluctantly called and made an appointment.
Got in and got all of the girlie parts checked and everything seemed ok until my Dr asked me if I had ever had a mammogram. Well I told him that I had one about 10 years ago but couldn't even tell you where that was at because it was in California somewhere. He told me that even though the recommendations have been changed to every year after the age of 50, he still believes in every year after 40 PLUS he said he felt a lump! That made my heart race and in place of the irritation I was feeling about having to go and have my boobs smashed between two pieces of Plexiglas was a new feeling....fear.
On an off note before I go on, I just want to ask what misogynist created the mammogram??? I mean seriously! Do they check for testicular cancer that way? I think not.
Anyway, I called and made that appointment. When I showed up I kept telling myself there is nothing to fear it is all just routine and proceeded to study for Psychology to keep my mind off worrying. Unfortunately that didn't work very well.
For those that have never had a mammogram let me talk you through it. They call you back to the back and ask you to remove everything from your waist up and put on a robe. Now depending on where you are it could be a hospital gown backwards that they are calling a "robe" or an actual robe. I was lucky, I was in a center for womens breast health so I got the good stuff!
I put my robe on and put the rest of my things in a locker. All I had left with me was my list wristband with my key to my locker and my cell phone. I played so many games on that phone I am surprised it didn't blow up! Then they finally called me back. I had a very nice lady that was a breast cancer survivor as my radiology tech. She was very sweet as she mashed, poked, squished and prodded my breasts in every way possible. "Hold still"......I loved hearing that! I wanted to say, "How can i move you have my boob in a vice!".
Well I was released from the torture chamber and allowed to go back to the waiting room so the Dr could read the films. After a bit I was called back and he began to show me "areas of concern". After I heard that I kind of went a little foggy. No one wants to hear that from a Dr. He said he wanted to do a sonogram and a couple more mammogram films. So back I go. The sonogram was nothing of course, i mean cold and sticky, but no pain. Then back to the chamber for more squishing. Although this time I didn't feel it as much because my mind was a bit preoccupied with what the Dr had said and the areas he had shown me.
After everything was said and done I got dressed and was informed that my Dr would contact me with my results.
That was at the time the longest 3 days of my life. I finally called the Dr's office but they wouldn't release the results because the Dr was out of the office so I had to make an appointment for the next day. My father went with me and I am glad he did. The news was not what I wanted to hear and the Dr was going on about needing a needle biopsy and things like that and I think I just went numb. My Dd helped to gather me and get me back home. I immediately called and made the biopsy appointment. I didn't want to wait any longer than necessary to know what was going on in side of me.
I went for the biopsy by myself. They put you in a very large machine that squished you like the mammogram but this time you are laying on your tummy. The nurse asked me if I was comfortable and of course I said no, I mean really? You are about to use my boob as a pin cushion, comfy not a word I would use right now!
The actual procedure was very uncomfortable. It hurt before, during, and definitely after. I was told to use Tylenol for the pain, but what they didn;t take into consideration was I bled quite a bit so it set up a hematoma (blod clot) inside my breast that was pressing on nerves and I cried most of the night trying ice packs to help with the swelling.
The next day I was fine, a little bruised but felt much better. Now we again got to play the waiting game. After 3 days I called the Dr's office, as you can tell I am not much on patience, and the nurse told me that due to my results the Dr would need to speak to me to talk about surgery. I really don't even remember hanging up the phone. Surgery.....the word just kept bouncing around in my head.
Luckily it wasn't too long before the Dr called me and she informed me that I had breast cancer. She told me that as breast cancer goes, I had the best kind, if there is such a thing, because it is confined to the glands and milk ducts and doesn't spread fast. She also told me that they wanted me to have an MRI to check and make sure that everything was found with the biopsy and help pin point the exact location. The MRI wasn't bad, you get an IV and then have to lay in a loud I mean LOUD machine while they take pictures. Of course again I had to lay down and have my boobs squished, but no one was poking me with needles so I was good. Kevin came along to keep me calm since I am claustrophobic and was a bit nervous about this "tunnel" I had to go in for the MRI machine to do its work. As it turned out no claustrophobia YAY.
Now, more waiting, have I mentioned I am not a patient person? This whole process is hurry up and wait ARG! Now we hear back from the Dr that read my MRI. He has found 3 more "areas of concern" 2 more in my left breast and one in my right. Soooooo, yup you guessed it, more biopsies wooohoooo lucky me huh?
Since I had such an awful experience the first time, and they were doing two biopsies, one in each breast, this time Kevin came with me. It was an MRI guided biopsy so again with the loud machine, but this Dr was awesome and with Kevin there to squeeze my hand when I was hurting I came out of it feeling much better than the first time. There was very little bleeding or bruising so that was a plus.
Again....more waiting. 3 days they say...ya ok well I am ready in three days so I call the Dr's office. The results are in but she is with patients so I have to wait. I waited till about 5:30, 6:00 and figured now she wasn't going to call me till the next day and I had been so stressed knowing the results were in I was about ready to cry. But my Dr, awesome as she is, called me at about 7:30 from home to talk to me about my results.
It was all pretty much more of the same. The two biopsies came back positive and they were pretty sure the other two sites were as well. She said we could biopsy those if I wanted but I was pretty tired of being stabbed in the boob. We talked about options and well, to cut to the chase we decided that a double mastectomy would be the best. My right breast is not as bad as the left. She refers to my left breast as the nightmare...nice. But if I chose a single mastectomy with a lumpectomy I would still have to go every 6 months for MRIs and they would want to biopsy anything that looked suspicious. I have personally had enough poking and worrying, and I know my family has been out through the ringer, so with her input on the subject we made the decision.
Now that the decision has been made I feel better in a sense, but I am terrified in another. Not the least of it is just going through major surgery, but what is going to happen. I mean whether or not women want to admit it alot of our sense of being a woman is wrapped up in our breasts. Now I find out mine are "damaged" and have to be removed. Hard to process ya know?
I did make it out of this last quarter with a 2.63 GPA (YUCK) I guess that is just a tick off of a B- but I was hoping for better grades than that. I missed a B by 13 points in my English class AARRGGGG
Part of the trouble with the end of the quarter was I got some disturbing news. I decided it had been awhile since I had gone for my "Lady Land" check up so I reluctantly called and made an appointment.
Got in and got all of the girlie parts checked and everything seemed ok until my Dr asked me if I had ever had a mammogram. Well I told him that I had one about 10 years ago but couldn't even tell you where that was at because it was in California somewhere. He told me that even though the recommendations have been changed to every year after the age of 50, he still believes in every year after 40 PLUS he said he felt a lump! That made my heart race and in place of the irritation I was feeling about having to go and have my boobs smashed between two pieces of Plexiglas was a new feeling....fear.
On an off note before I go on, I just want to ask what misogynist created the mammogram??? I mean seriously! Do they check for testicular cancer that way? I think not.
Anyway, I called and made that appointment. When I showed up I kept telling myself there is nothing to fear it is all just routine and proceeded to study for Psychology to keep my mind off worrying. Unfortunately that didn't work very well.
For those that have never had a mammogram let me talk you through it. They call you back to the back and ask you to remove everything from your waist up and put on a robe. Now depending on where you are it could be a hospital gown backwards that they are calling a "robe" or an actual robe. I was lucky, I was in a center for womens breast health so I got the good stuff!
I put my robe on and put the rest of my things in a locker. All I had left with me was my list wristband with my key to my locker and my cell phone. I played so many games on that phone I am surprised it didn't blow up! Then they finally called me back. I had a very nice lady that was a breast cancer survivor as my radiology tech. She was very sweet as she mashed, poked, squished and prodded my breasts in every way possible. "Hold still"......I loved hearing that! I wanted to say, "How can i move you have my boob in a vice!".
Well I was released from the torture chamber and allowed to go back to the waiting room so the Dr could read the films. After a bit I was called back and he began to show me "areas of concern". After I heard that I kind of went a little foggy. No one wants to hear that from a Dr. He said he wanted to do a sonogram and a couple more mammogram films. So back I go. The sonogram was nothing of course, i mean cold and sticky, but no pain. Then back to the chamber for more squishing. Although this time I didn't feel it as much because my mind was a bit preoccupied with what the Dr had said and the areas he had shown me.
After everything was said and done I got dressed and was informed that my Dr would contact me with my results.
That was at the time the longest 3 days of my life. I finally called the Dr's office but they wouldn't release the results because the Dr was out of the office so I had to make an appointment for the next day. My father went with me and I am glad he did. The news was not what I wanted to hear and the Dr was going on about needing a needle biopsy and things like that and I think I just went numb. My Dd helped to gather me and get me back home. I immediately called and made the biopsy appointment. I didn't want to wait any longer than necessary to know what was going on in side of me.
I went for the biopsy by myself. They put you in a very large machine that squished you like the mammogram but this time you are laying on your tummy. The nurse asked me if I was comfortable and of course I said no, I mean really? You are about to use my boob as a pin cushion, comfy not a word I would use right now!
The actual procedure was very uncomfortable. It hurt before, during, and definitely after. I was told to use Tylenol for the pain, but what they didn;t take into consideration was I bled quite a bit so it set up a hematoma (blod clot) inside my breast that was pressing on nerves and I cried most of the night trying ice packs to help with the swelling.
The next day I was fine, a little bruised but felt much better. Now we again got to play the waiting game. After 3 days I called the Dr's office, as you can tell I am not much on patience, and the nurse told me that due to my results the Dr would need to speak to me to talk about surgery. I really don't even remember hanging up the phone. Surgery.....the word just kept bouncing around in my head.
Luckily it wasn't too long before the Dr called me and she informed me that I had breast cancer. She told me that as breast cancer goes, I had the best kind, if there is such a thing, because it is confined to the glands and milk ducts and doesn't spread fast. She also told me that they wanted me to have an MRI to check and make sure that everything was found with the biopsy and help pin point the exact location. The MRI wasn't bad, you get an IV and then have to lay in a loud I mean LOUD machine while they take pictures. Of course again I had to lay down and have my boobs squished, but no one was poking me with needles so I was good. Kevin came along to keep me calm since I am claustrophobic and was a bit nervous about this "tunnel" I had to go in for the MRI machine to do its work. As it turned out no claustrophobia YAY.
Now, more waiting, have I mentioned I am not a patient person? This whole process is hurry up and wait ARG! Now we hear back from the Dr that read my MRI. He has found 3 more "areas of concern" 2 more in my left breast and one in my right. Soooooo, yup you guessed it, more biopsies wooohoooo lucky me huh?
Since I had such an awful experience the first time, and they were doing two biopsies, one in each breast, this time Kevin came with me. It was an MRI guided biopsy so again with the loud machine, but this Dr was awesome and with Kevin there to squeeze my hand when I was hurting I came out of it feeling much better than the first time. There was very little bleeding or bruising so that was a plus.
Again....more waiting. 3 days they say...ya ok well I am ready in three days so I call the Dr's office. The results are in but she is with patients so I have to wait. I waited till about 5:30, 6:00 and figured now she wasn't going to call me till the next day and I had been so stressed knowing the results were in I was about ready to cry. But my Dr, awesome as she is, called me at about 7:30 from home to talk to me about my results.
It was all pretty much more of the same. The two biopsies came back positive and they were pretty sure the other two sites were as well. She said we could biopsy those if I wanted but I was pretty tired of being stabbed in the boob. We talked about options and well, to cut to the chase we decided that a double mastectomy would be the best. My right breast is not as bad as the left. She refers to my left breast as the nightmare...nice. But if I chose a single mastectomy with a lumpectomy I would still have to go every 6 months for MRIs and they would want to biopsy anything that looked suspicious. I have personally had enough poking and worrying, and I know my family has been out through the ringer, so with her input on the subject we made the decision.
Now that the decision has been made I feel better in a sense, but I am terrified in another. Not the least of it is just going through major surgery, but what is going to happen. I mean whether or not women want to admit it alot of our sense of being a woman is wrapped up in our breasts. Now I find out mine are "damaged" and have to be removed. Hard to process ya know?
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