Feeling a bit lost.....

I know I haven't posted in a while. I have been so busy with my cooking blog. But I am thinking that has been a bit of a problem for me. This is where I come to vent and get my mind straight (or as straight as it can be). I know the few people that read this blog know the emotional side of me. Here I am not trying to "keep it all together" I am just me plain and simple. All of my flaws, warts, short comings, whatever you want to call them, are out in the open and good or bad, love me or hate me, I am just me! By not posting I think I have been holding things in a bit and feel at times like I am treading water with no sight of the shore.

I haven't posted since my father passed away. My wonderful Daddy died 2 days after Thanksgiving. He really was my world. I love my children and would die for them, but I was always Daddy'd girl. Seeing him everyday (we lived in the same home) and talking with him was one of the biggest highlights of my Day. His smile, his laugh, his dry sense of humor. Never failed to make my heart warm.

It wasn't like I didn't know he was sick. He had been struggling with lung cancer for 6 + years. He had 4 surgeries and was on his second round of chemo. I watched him go from a strong active man to a man that had aged 20 years and could barely get around. Yet my heart could not let go. He didn't want to do the second round of chemo but he did it for me, because he knew I didn't want to be without him. Like I said, he was a wonderful Father. Quiet, not a huggy mushy kind of guy, but you felt his love without the words needing to be spoken, and the fact that he subjected himself to another round of treatment was only more proof of that love.

These last couple of months have been so difficult for me. I spent the better part of December crying at the drop of a hat. Everyday I would wait for him to come downstairs to chat with me while I had my coffee. Even though I knew it wouldn't happen my heart longed for it and broke everyday I had to accept the fact that he would never come down those stairs again looking for our morning conversation. I have accepted the fact that he is gone now, but there are still times that I swear I hear him or smell him and my heart skips as I hold my breath wishing it was really true.

I have been told that my tears are a bit selfish. That my father was very sick and is in a much better place now. No more pain, no more discomfort. I understand that and know it is the truth, but my tears are not wishing he would come back. I would never wish that pain and misery on him again. My tears are only for my loss. I miss him, I am lost without him. I guess if that makes me selfish so be it.

Now that it has been a couple months and the new year is here. I feel as though I need to "hold it all together". Those around me seem to have moved on and accepted the loss. I feel that it is not fair for me to bring them all down. Yet I am stuck in that moment. You see I am the one that found him. I am the one that called 911, and I am the one that had to make the decision for the paramedics to let him go. I knew it was the right thing to do, but it plays in my head almost every day. Everyone tells me there is nothing I could have done, and that I made the right decision. But I want to say until you have seen what I have seen and had to make the decision I had to make. I really don't think you can grasp the whole experience. Lord knows I would not wish that on anyone! It is just truly how I feel.

So that leads me to now and this post. What is the point of it? I am not sure really. I don't even know if anyone will read this. All I know is I miss him, I love him, and I feel so very lost without him!!

Pinning!!!

I have decided to share the pictures I find during my prowling through the internet for interesting things. OK so really I am just mindlessly surfing when I find these but I want it to sound better than that!!

I hope they make you smile, they did me :)

AMEN!!

I love my son!!

LAWL

Well it IS almost the season 

Oh you mean I have to take my costume off? CRAP!!!

And one for my fellow zombie fanatics!!

I hope I was able to make you smile, even if just fora moment. We all need more of that right???

A Halloween Stumble

Howdy folks, how was your Halloween? I am ashamed to say I did nothing, absolutely NOTHING for Halloween this year *hanging head in shame* Yes, the holiday I decorate the most for (aside from Christmas of course) and I decided to be lazy this year.

I really didn't think about it much all month. I had more reconstructive surgery on the 17th so for about a week or so I wasn't up to dressing myself, let alone my house and yard! I guess that was why it was easy to kind of forget about my normal October activities for so long. Then I go out to run errands yesterday and see the neighbors setting up all of their Halloween delights. Spider webs, jack'o'lanterns, lights, fog machine *sigh* I have all of that stuff too! DANG IT! Now I feel awful and I feel like something is missing. I mean I  have some great stuff.

So let me not only show you what we are CAPABLE of, but live vicariously through last Halloween......

of course the whole things has to start off with finding the right pumpkin right?

Kevin found his right off the bat. Hahaha bat...Halloween humor eerrrr nevermind

Then Jessi

and finally my picky butt found one I liked

We got right to work carving them up

And I think they came out great!

We even got Barney in on the fun. Although he seems slightly less excited about it than we were.

Then came the house

A fitting sign for our household

You can't tell very well but the chair covers were blood spattered with bloody hand prints on them ooohhhh scary right?

Zombie crossing anyone?

Of course you have to dig up long lost relatives for the Halloween festivities

And that my dear friends was the Halloween we should have had this year. But it is nice to be able to look back and see how much fun we did have and remind myself to do it next year!!

But because we didn't decorate this year we had no, zero, nada, trick or treaters. Now what am I going to do with 2 huge bags of candy??? Maybe I should set up a giveaway huh? Anyone want some Halloween candy???

I did however make a nice meal for dinner. No I wasn't a total lazy ass last night. So if you would like to see what I DID do last night, come check me out at Bobbi's Kozy Kitchen.

Pin It

That's Very Pintresting

WOW am I the only one that thinks Pintrest needs a 12 step program???? I don't think I have ever found a website MORE addictive than Pintrest. Well, Facebook maybe, but it is a pretty close race if you ask me! And the thing that I love about Pintrest is I can look for the things I love all in ONE place. Wanna find some yummy food.....Pintrest.....wanna find some funny graphics.....Pintrest.......wanna find some scrapbook layout ideas......OK you get it. When I finally DO drag myself away my daughter will say "Mom did you see the new stuff I pinned? Then I am like a dog in the woods...."Squirrel?" Get out of my way I have pinning to do!!!

OK I know that is sad huh? I will tell you I am not sitting at home eating chips and clicking my mouse all day (thank goodness) I am still cooking and running Bobbi's Kozy Kitchen so all is not lost folks! Right now I am in the middle of making some Chili Verde, something I have been wanting to do for quite some time but have always just grabbed a jar from the store thinking it would be too hard or labor intensive to make. Sheesh suck it up Bobbi! Cook woman, that is what you do for God's sake!!! So I am doing it damn it!! Now, how well it will turn out is left to be seen. If all goes well we will be having Pork in Chili Verde taco's for dinner....crossing my fingers!!

Now ummm back to Pintrest...see I can't stay away!! AAHHHHH but seriously, I have pictures I would like to pin on Facebook and that is the one place you can't pin from UGH!! So I downloaded a couple and I will post them here so I can pin them. Feel free to follow me on Pintrest if you want to see all of the internet goodies I find :)

This one is dedicated to my daughter!!

Have a fantastic weekend everyone!! Happy Pinning!

Surprise! I'm still breathing!!

Helloooooo hellooooooo is there anybody out there? I wouldn't be surprised if you all ran off and left me. I have been neglectful naaaa down right forgetful in posting here. I have let my food blog (Bobbi's Kozy Kitchen) take over and the little corner of the world where I bitch and complain and laugh and cry has sat dormant for too long! I need ya so I sure hope you are out there!!

In the brief moments of time I get away from trying to make my food blog perfect (well ok not perfect but at least interesting) I have discovered Pintrest. Ohhhh Emmmm Geeeeee where has this been all of my life?!?!?! Well thank goodness I hadn't found it before now or I would have never gotten my blog going!! WOW have you all found this? I have created a few new addicts myself so if you haven't checked it out yet find me on Pintrest!

In the spirit of Pintrest I have a few pics I am going to post here. I hope you like them!!

Well hopefully these have put a smile on your face, they sure did mine. Now I can start my day!! 

My Modern Caveman

Saturday was a gorgeous day here in my little corner of Washington. No gray skies, no drizzle, no wind, just sunshine, sunshine, and more sunshine! It is funny, since we rarely have days like that here we found ourselves wanting to do 10 things at once just to be outside and soak up the sun.

The 1st thing on our list was to take Kevin's Dad Harry to the VFW for breakfast. This is kind of a Saturday morning ritual. Harry is 87 years old an just an awesome awesome man. He enjoys getting out and seeing all of his friends every week and we enjoy taking him. Once we dropped him off and were on the road back home we started talking about what we wanted to do for the rest of the day. Aside from the grocery shopping we had to do ggrrrrrrr I hate it when chores get in the way of fun!

We decided to go home and play some horseshoes. We have been staring at that pit all year wanting to play, but horseshoes in the rain? Not so fun. We grabbed some cold beers and hit the back yard. After a close back and forth game, which I won by the way, Kevin decided out of the blue that he wanted to go kayaking. This caught me off guard since we have never been kayaking, but I was game it sounded like fun.

Evidently we were not the only people with the same brilliant idea because when we got there they told us there were no boats available to rent. So back home we go. More horseshoes, then as the evening began we hopped into the hot tub for a bit. It was in the hot tub that Kevin announced that he wanted to build a fire. I laughed, "OK but I think the wood will get a little wet in here" I am a smart ass sometimes I know. Actually it is my evil twin I am an angel....riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

He was so funny. As soon as the decision was made he was like a little boy, so excited at the idea of building this fire. I am completely convinced that something has carried over into today's modern man. Something that has been within them since the dawn of time......men = I wanna burn shit. This goes hand in  hand with men = I wanna blow shit up, but that is another story.

So here we go. Let me also mention that as the fire got bigger so did Kevin's smile! 

Now we have a stick to poke the fire with.......must find things to burn!!

See the smile? I told you.....a kid in a candy store I am tellin' ya!!

But it was nice and warm. Even though it was a gorgeous summer day the sun was down and it was beginning to cool off a bit. So I was happy my tootsies were nice and warm.

Yes the excitement was infectious!

I briefly freaked Kevin out with my "monkey toes". After 3 years you would have thought he had noticed.

Again with the poking.

Kevin had to prove to me that a beer can would actually melt. Who knew? Obviously NOT me!

Well it was fun folks. We laughed and drank some beer. My Dad even hung out with us for a while. Brought back little memories of when I was a kid and we would have bonfires at the beach. Good fun and good memories! Recipe for an awesome time.

The Cramped Nest Syndrome?

A couple of months ago both of my children moved out. My son moved in with his girlfriend and my daughter went away to school. My boyfriend's son had already gone away to school a few months prior so now I was faced with an empty nest. where there were 3 there were now none. I have always loved being a mother. I enjoyed everything about my children growing up, even the rough times. I loved the "controlled chaos" of motherhood.

We as a family have always been close. When my son played sports in high school I would have a houseful of teenage boys for weeks on end it seemed. I never knew who I would find sleeping on my floor, or my couch, or grazing in my pantry. I was the taxi so when they wanted to go to the mall or the beach it was Mom to the rescue. I didn't mind it though. I just loved feeling close with my kids.

I can remember dancing in our kitchen with the music blasting, watching scary movies all cuddled up under blankets with a sea of junk food strewn across the coffee table, and the quiet times when one of them would come into my room just to talk.

The day my daughter left for school I was a basket case! I literally got physically ill at the airport, I couldn't even make it home. I was in a daze the entire day. That nagging little voice in my head kept telling me to snap the hell out of it. That it was all a part of life and that I needed to let go and let them grow up. That this was a much needed step in their journey to being an adult. See, she is so frickin' annoying, I really hate it when she is right. I had just fooled myself into thinking I would be able to handle it with much more finesse and maturity I guess.

Unfortunately things did not work out with my son and his girlfriend and I got a call one day asking if he could move back home. OF COURSE was my response. He may be 23 but he will ALWAYS be my baby boy and will ALWAYS be welcome in Mom's home. He actually refers to himself as a mama's boy and proudly smiles as he does it.

So my nest felt a bit right again.

Then summer break rolls around. Kevin's son goes to a school in Oregon and Jessi goes to a school in Idaho. So we of course had a mess of trying to coordinate itinerary's. He came home on the bus and she came home on a plane. I was back in the "I wish I could clone myself mode" aahhhhh I remember this feeling.

Once all three were back under one roof well, remember the "controlled chaos"? Ya ummm not so much. What was I thinking? There is no control to this chaos, I was obviously completely deluded all those years! Could I really have gotten out of the habit of dealing with all of this in such a short amount of time? Planning meals was almost impossible. Last minute "Oh Mom I am going to go hang out with so and so tonight" or "I am going to be gone this weekend". Ok now I have tons of left overs but thank you for letting me know, have fun.

The fridge filled up with tupperware and the house filled up with piles of clothes, blankets, empty cans and bottles. My job was never ending. Yes my nest was full again, but I think while they were gone I  must have washed it in hot water and shrunk it because it was feeling a bit cramped in here.

Then came the time for them to go back. We again had to tap dance through itinerary's and make sure they made to their destinations on time. Driving to the airport we hit traffic and then longgggggggg lines once we got inside to the ticket counter and security. Rush rush rush sprinkled with a bit of panic ensued briefly. But of course everything ended up fine and on the plane she went.

I felt that familiar tingle as I walked to my car and through the ride home. But I came home and cleaned up the messes, dumped out the tupperware, and took out the trash. I got ready to make dinner and caught myself actually letting out a little sigh. Was that a sigh of relief? Hhmmmm I think it was! I looked around at my clean house, no child on my computer, no one asking for money or a ride somewhere. WOW maybe I do like the nest empty. That was when I realized that not only do our children have to move on and learn to grow, we as parents need to do the same. I am more than just "Mom". That is not the only thing that defines who Bobbi is.

 I just have one question. Does this mean I have to figure out what I want to be when I grow up????